originally posted April 30, 2004

I've been working on this off and on all semester, trying to catalog the people and events that brought me to where I am today: proud fag hag and defender of all things gay and fabulous. Writing this has been a labor of love; I wouldn't give up this life for anything. I present to you my story.

Danny and the Beginning
I can pinpoint the exact day when I knew I had to be a champion of gay rights. I don't remember the date anymore, but I do know that it was a turning point for me. I was 14 years old and involved with my church's bell choir. We were in the middle of a rehearsal one Wednesday night when my sister, who was 12 years old at the time, made a comment that used the word "gay" in a derogatory manner. I'm not sure either of us understood the meaning or the implications, as we had been sheltered all our lives, but I do know that I immediately went on the defensive for a group of people with whom I had never associated myself. When my overbearing aunt asked us what was going on, I immediately 'tattled' on my sister - "She said 'gay' like it's bad or something!" - and my aunt told me to be quiet because Danny, our music minister and choir master, was gay. I had loved and respected him for as long as I could remember; he taught me to sing at the age of four, and he had always been there to encourage me musically and spiritually. While I was immediately silent that night, my feelings toward him did not change in the slightest.

Dan and the First Signs
In the next few years, I began to be fully aware of the gay members of the church, and I found myself indifferent to the fact that they labeled themselves as such. One of my favorite memories is the day I met Dan, a long-absent member of the congregation and an HIV patient. He came into my life when our youth minister arranged for him to come and talk to my youth group one afternoon after church. As he sat there reminding me so much of Jack from Will & Grace and told us his heartbreaking life story, I felt an immediate urge to befriend and take care of him. Afterwards, as I and the other members of the group stood outside in the church parking lot waiting for our parents, we got to see Dan interact with his partner, Brian. They were adorable together, and as a writer and lover of fiction almost since I had known how to read and write, I began formulating plots: 'Dan and Brian Go to the Zoo,' 'Dan and Brian at Home,' et cetera - very simple, lighthearted tales that I eventually decided not to write out of respect for the two. I didn't know it then, but that was my first experience with the phenomenon known as slash, which I will discuss in more detail later on.

Joe and the Trouble with Love
Then there was Joe, and my whole world turned upside down. Although I knew who he was throughout high school, since we were in the same graduating class, I didn't really get to know him until we stood next to each other in choir in our senior year. I had suspected he was gay in sophomore year, when he was just another tenor to me, but it wasn't until he started telling me about his boyfriend troubles that I was fully able to comprehend. He became everything to me. He was a cheerleader that year for the first time, and I would sit and watch him the whole time at the pep rallies and football games. When I applied to TCU that December, I wrote my essay about him and what he meant to me. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of letting him read the essay, and when he realized that he had become more than just a friend to me, he quite understandably freaked out, and a rift formed between us. During that time of separation, I pined for Joe. I wrote poetry he never read; I searched anxiously for his face as I passed through the halls. Our relationship eventually healed and we were friends again by May, but things were never quite the same between us. I've been over Joe for some time now, and I've learned my lesson. I see now the unhealthful nature of our relationship, how my love was killing me from the inside, and thankfully it hasn't proven to be a repeating pattern in my life.

Slash and the Turning Point (interlude)
It was when Joe and I had our falling out that I discovered what would come to define my writing for much of the next year and beyond: Harry Potter slash fanfiction. I had first become an HP fan in my sophomore year, so it was almost more of a rediscovery, but I had never seen the characters in this light before. (For those out of the loop, fanfic is the creation of new written works based on a set of previously copyrighted characters, settings, and events; slash involves the placement of these characters in homosexual relationships which may or may not exist in the original work upon which they are based.) I spent the better part of 2003 enamored with the pairing of Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, the werewolf and the convict, a natural choice as Remus was and has remained my favorite character from the series. Especially in the early months, I obsessively read any fic I could find and spent hours poring over the fan sites. This new fixation even inspired me to write the first fiction I had completed since the days of my junior high X-Files obsession. Although I have come to appreciate other pairings within the HP universe (though none that have appeared in the books yet!), Remus/Sirius will always be my favorite; to me, they represent a love and devotion that remains perfect and true despite all the obstacles. My experience with slash has helped me to understand homosexuality and gay relationships, and I don't know if I would be able to relate as well to the gay culture of today if I did not have this background from which to draw knowledge and inspiration.

Spectrum and the New Beginning
Despite my past, I wasn't able to join the fight for gay rights until I came to college and joined Spectrum, SMU's GLBTS support group. Becoming a member of this group has brought me everything - love, friendship, happiness. It amazes me sometimes how far I've come and how much these people have affected my life since the beginning of first semester. I admit that things were rough in the beginning: I'll never forget getting lost the first time I tried to find the Women's Center (our beloved meeting place) or how my straight identity initially forced me to question my membership. However, I wouldn't trade it now for anything. I guess Spectrum really began to be important to me at the first meeting of second semester - a lifetime ago, it seems. I remember I looked around the room that night and realized that although it was just me and five gay guys, I was completely comfortable with the situation. It was a premonition of things to come, I suppose; something changed that night that set our little group in motion and eventually allowed us to go from being just fellow group members to best friends. I find it incredible that I once complained because I never saw them outside of meetings! Now not a day goes by when I don't have some contact with Ben, Michael, or Josh; we've all become incredibly close (and will even be running Spectrum together next year), and through them I've flourished this semester as I've gained confidence and come to realize my full potential as a fag hag, friend, and woman. As I continue through my life, I can only hope that things will remain just as fabulous as they are today.