These past two weeks have been chalk full of realizations.
These past two weeks have also been some of the most difficult weeks of my life. I have been stretched and pulled and twisted and tested to the farthest possible edge of my limits.
It is really difficult to be a person who has come from almost no music theory or piano background. Especially being in classes with aspiring concert pianists and having friends that want to play professionally in symphonies. These people KNOW what they’re doing. and sometimes it even gets confusing for them. Annnd then theres me. Never had a theory class in my life, barely can read notes, barely know my key signatures, barely can get my fingers to do what they are supposed to on the piano keyboard. (Quick side note – I’m pretty sure my fingers have a mind of their own! they do whatever they want and leave me wondering why they aren’t hitting the right keys in disbelief that my fingers aren’t nearly as coordinated as I thought they were- this can only take time to develop the coordination, and I will not rest until they obey me – but I have baffled myself at how little control I have over my own fingers). I have challenged my voice so much since I have been here – sometimes it scares me what can come out of my own mouth. For someone who has been so quiet her whole life, I am amazed by how much sound can come out. I have spent so much time in my life trying to blend, and I feel like maybe its time for me to start standing out. I feel like people WANT me to be heard! and it’s amazing! I realized that one wrong note isn’t going to break me (but a whole slew of them might). and that there is nobody here who doesn’t want me to succeed. Nobody. All of the friends I have made here, are absolutely amazing. We all can support each other (supporting includes constructive criticism) because we are in the same boat. ALL of us. We all are having different challenges since arriving and I am so blessed to be able to support them too. All of my friends from home love me and are rooting for me – and I am rooting for them! Whether they are pursuing a nursing degree, or graphic design or Pre-med or Architecture or Business or whatever – I am SO proud of them, and I know that they are proud of me too. We are all pursuing exactly what we want to be pursuing. My family is
To those reading that think being a music major is easy- I have something to share with you.
it’s not. It really isn’t.
But I have discovered something in these past two weeks, and that is this: I can do WAY more than I ever thought that I could in my life. I absolutely LOVE what I am doing, and even when it gets hard- it’s worth every single minute of work I put into it. I WANT to stay up late every night doing theory. I WANT to sing for about 3 hours every day (this does not including shower singing and singing in the halls . I even WANT to sit at the keyboard and play major triads and five finger patterns until both my fingers and my brain hurt. I am fully aware that I will probably not make a lot of money when I graduate due to the nature of my field (this is slightly different for me since I am a music therapy Major, but still. There is no way that I am going to make as much as someone who will be a business man/woman or someone who is going to have a title of Doctor. I love what I do. I love being in a place where I can breathe it. I love that I know that I am EXACTLY where God wants me to be! I love the people I have met who are crazy musicians, and artists and dancers. And I think I might be crazy too.
I think this is why music people have a reputation for being crazy. It’s because we ARE. It’s because we are all SO passionate about what we love, that we don’t care how much money we make, or when we’re gonna eat next or what people think about us. I LOVE being able to be crazy!
a couple weeks ago I got up in front of the whole first year arts community in a group, and I danced. Very, very badly. and you know what? I made people laugh. I’ve never been able to just let myself go like that before. and I LOVE it. One of my friends is like that all the time. Just lets himself be goofy and silly all the time. He is one of the kindest people on the planet. And He has taught me this : shrug and make a face like “who cares?”, and then he maybe throws in a weird quote that only your friends get. People either like you or they don’t. and the ones who don’t aren’t worth any of your time. I want people to love me for who I am. Even the slightly crazy parts. and the people who don’t?
Because I am working really hard at what I love. and I get to be happy doing this for the rest of my life. Even when I’m really stressed – I am still really very happy.
**This blog subject was not assigned by the FACE class**